Feed your face!
Photo by Ashton Smith
Eat more, not less!
It always amazes me how a lot of people won’t eat certain foods. And I don’t mean they don’t like peas, or they’re cutting sugar out of their diet. I mean whole food groups. There are even people out there that LITERALLY DON’T LIKE CHEESE! Weirdoes.
I’m the opposite of most people. I love vegetables and I hate frozen pizzas and crap like that. But I know exactly what I adore and what I’m not keen on because I’ll try anything. A lot of people simply won’t.
It seems really weird to me that some people are unhappy with their weight or their skin, or complain that they have no energy, when all they have to do is change their diet slightly.
People really are mard-arses when it comes to food. What’s the worst that’s going to happen; your wickle sensitive taste-buds are going to taste something a teensy bit nasty? Oh you poor little thing.
You know what? Just because you didn’t used to like a certain food, that’s not necessarily the case for the rest of your life. You can try a new food, one that you don’t like the look of or haven’t eaten for twenty years, and discover that you like it.
If you feel like you really hate a particular food, it’s probably because last time you tried it:
It wasn’t cooked properly:
Perhaps it was undercooked or overcooked. Any food can be delicious if it’s cooked and served properly, and many foods are disgusting when over or under cooked. Overcooked vegetables that have been left to go cold are particularly revolting.
You had an immature palate:
Children’s taste buds are different to adults. Children instinctively spit out anything they find bitter. This is to protect them from poisons. Remember, the way your body functions comes from caveman times. Children are naturally attracted to sweet foods, because foods with natural sugars in are meant to be eaten. The plant puts the sugar in the food so that creatures will eat it and poop out the seeds.
Honey, which is just about the sweetest and most delicious substance in the natural world, is high-energy bee food. This shit is supposed to be eaten. As a cave-child you’re taking your chances with leaves, some of which may be very poisonous. So children’s palates are naturally inclined more towards sweet foods and away from anything that tastes bitter. Even if it doesn’t taste bitter to an adult.
If you’ve eaten, or worse still been forced to eat something as a child which you instinctively wanted to spit out, never touching it again is a natural reaction. But you’re not a kid any more. Recognise the emotional baggage for what it is and try again.
It was the wrong temperature:
If what should have been a crisp, steaming bright green floret of broccoli was a cold, sloppy slug-like blob on the side of your plate, it would have looked and tasted like a lump of snot. I don’t blame you for not eating it.
If you were forced to clear your plate then your cave-child self would have been freaking out. You would have been upset and resentful, and never want to eat that food again. I’m sure there are therapy groups in California for ‘food trauma’ and yes, I do feel for the child inside but you’re not seven any more, get over it.
Something grossed you out:
I used to like beans on toast as a kid. Then my little brother said something really gross about beans as I was eating them. I won’t inflict the same charming mental picture on fellow bean-lovers, but it was seriously gross. Upon seeing my reaction, he decided to open up his bean-filled mouth and chomp at me like the back end of a bin-lorry. He found it highly amusing for 30 seconds or so. I didn’t eat beans for nearly ten years after that. The feeling of disgust is there to protect you from bad food, poison and bacteria. It’s extremely effective, but can often be reversed in things that are genuinely not dirty or poisonous.
Someone told you it was gross:
My ex boyfriend was from one of those numpty families that mistrusts all foreigners on general principle. When they went on holiday they would insist on Proper Food, i.e. overcooked meat and potatoes. His Dad would not touch foreign food at all. He was particularly freaked out by sauces, which he referred to as ‘slop’.
His son, my boyfriend at the time was totally grossed out by my cooking! The sight of homemade soup, pasta sauce and curry made him almost retch. When I chopped carrots and chucked them into the soup-pot, he looked at me as though I were some kind of third-world savage. He wouldn’t even taste any of it. We lived together for six years, and he never once tasted any of my cooking.
He hadn’t grown up around home cooking, and was shocked when he realised that vegetables have a distinct smell when they are cooked. His extreme reactions were a direct result of his stupid, ignorant father and lazy cow of a Mother, who got their ideas about food from their own stupid, ignorant parents. The negative comments from his family were powerful enough to make him feel physically sick.
Looking on the bright side, if he continues to live on stuff from jars and packets, he’ll probably die of bowel cancer.*
*I’m not suggesting that I think people who don’t like sauce should get cancer. Just him.
If one of your parents detested peanut butter or the kids at school screamed and made silly noises when they smelled an egg sandwich, it’s going to put you off. It’s the caveman equivalent of saying ‘don’t eat the stripy caterpillars, they’re poisonous,”
If you haven’t eaten an egg sandwich since the girls in the first year screamed when they smelled one on a bus trip, think about it this way. Are you going to let some ignorant little snot-noses stand between you and perfect protein? No!
Sometimes it’s relatively simple to like a food you previously avoided. My fella Matt lived on microwave burgers, fry ups, ready made pizzas and other total shite when I first met him. He was totally gob smacked when he saw my trolley in the supermarket, full of fruit, veg, fish and brown rice. He eats like a horse and he’s always hungry. I was cooking all this strange stuff (fresh pasta, couscous, homemade curry, and pan-fried salmon) and he just tried everything. He put some broccoli in his mouth and discovered to his amazement that he liked the taste of it, because it wasn’t overcooked or cold.
Last reason – you’re just not much for it:
OK, maybe it just doesn’t set your taste buds on fire. Maybe you would genuinely prefer to chew on gravel than a handful of hazel nuts. If you really aren’t into certain, specific food e.g. sardines or pineapple, then it’s not going to kill you to ignore it the rest of your life. But at least give it a chance.
Soft skin & shiny hair for like, sod all.
The beauty industry spends millions to make us spend billions. I don’t know if it’s because my Dad is a chemist, or because my Mum is a hippy, but I’d rather spend my money on nutritious, natural food than on prettily packaged chemicals that do sod-all.
Cheap body butter
I got some Body Shop coconut body butter for Christmas once. It’s £12 a tub for chrissakes. What’s it made out of, Unicorn blubber?
To be fair it made my skin much smoother than anything else I’d ever used. I took a chance on a £2 rip-off coco bean version from Wilkinsons. Bingo! Result. It didn’t smell quite as amazing but it was pleasant enough and worked just as well. I’ve since found that anything in a similar shaped tub from either Wilkos or the any of the major supermarkets work pretty much the same.
Olive oil and sugar
Unless you’ve already got the skin of a 12 year old, most commercial body scrubs are a waste of time. I need sanding down and re-wiring baby, not tickling with a feather!
The cheapest and best I’ve ever used is cheap olive oil and a handful of sugar. Rub it all over in circles and then wash it off in the shower. Follow with the body butter. That’s it!
I don’t use fake tan, because I tend to end up with a white arse and orange feet. But I would imagine the sugar/olive oil combo would be good for exfoliating knees, elbows and other lumpy bits.
You can also use pure virgin olive oil as a moisturiser on your face. Just rub a bit in before you got to bed. Much better than something with a rake of chemicals in.
If you’ve got spots, put one drop of tea-tree oil in a tablespoon of olive oil. I know, it seems wierd to put grease on your skin when you’ve got spots, but it really does help.
Finally, if the ends of your hair are dry, plait them, rub a bit of olive oil into the ends and shampoo it out in the morning. Use a nice smelly shampoo though, as the olive oil can be a bit strong.
Glycolic acid
Now this is the shit. It’s a chemical peel, the same as you would get at a beauticians. Only you can buy it from EBay for about £10.
It doesn’t make your skin peel off in strips or flakes. It just loosens a few layers of dead skin, which naturally come off over a few days. It’s absolutely brilliant, but you really do need to follow the instructions carefully. I’ve got indestructible leather for skin, and even I’ve managed to burn myself with it once or twice.
It gets rid of little wrinkles, dull skin and pimple scars. It also sort of brings all the spots up to the surface that are lurking under the skin, so you can look worse for the first week or so. But after about 5 weekly treatments your skin looks really smooth and young.
Mud Mask
I hate faffing around with gloopy cosmetics and crap like that. The idea of ‘pampering’ oneself makes me want to hurl for a number of reasons. So I’ll only ever wander around with a towel around my hair and crap on my face if I know it’s definitely going to work.
The only mask I have ever used that has more than a psychological benefit is the real deal Mudd mask. You can buy this in little sachets for about a pound at Superdrug and other chemists.
It’s real Dead Sea mud! And what it does is it tightens and hardens on your face, pulling all the oil and crap out of it. If you’ve got a great big angry spot, use the mask and you’ll find it pulls all the contents of the spot closer to the surface of your skin.
It is a pain in the butt when it dries, because it takes ages to get off. Your skin goes bright pink afterwards, so don’t do it before a date. But it really does make your skin look great.
Glycerine soap
The best cleanser I have ever used for my face is pure, unscented, uncoloured glycerine soap. It’s transparent, and you can buy it from Boots I think. I used to get mine from a shop called Temptations in Hanley, where I told fortunes on a Saturday. I had gorgeous skin then. I think being 24 might have had something to do with that, but the soap definitely helped.
Model’s Excuse Premium Line
Shoot at 4 in the morning at the Goyt Valley. Copyright Richard Egan
Inspired by a photographer friend saying “If I had a pound for every dodgy excuse I heard from a model…” Welcome to the Model’s Excuse Line. If you’ve staggered in at 4 in the morning and woken up feeling like a dog has wiped its bottom on your tongue, have we got the perfect excuse for you!
We tailor-make each of our high-quality excuses, bringing you the best in artistic avoidance. Please choose from the menu to create your tailor-made excuse.
The best quality excuse is the time-honoured Oscar Voice. Press #1 to add an emotional voice-wobble. Press #2 to add a coughing fit in the middle.
We include over the top apologies, long-winded explanations and lots of sad faces with all tears coming out of them at no extra charge.
We only recommend Purestorm Message if you’re definitely planning to go back to sleep or have sex with your boyfriend all morning. The little green thing that tells people you’re online can quickly undo all the careful construction of a really convincing excuse.
The budget option is the text message. If you would like to choose a more convincing and less downright rude and inconvenient excuse method, press Hash to return to the main menu.
We advise our clients to go for the short, sharp, ‘shocked and grief-stricken’ text to avoid unnecessary ping-ponging of messages when you’re supposed to be having sex with your boyfriend.
Finally, there is the ‘Sod it just don’t turn up, he’ll get the message,’
Although a carefully crafted excuse is more satisfying, the ‘Sod it’ remains as popular as ever.
Press #1 to automatically block the photographer on Purestorm and MSN.
The inclusion of a victim is not always necessary, although we do feel it brings a personal touch to proceedings:
The Baby Jesus has led your silver-haired second Mum into the light. It was all so sudden. Oh hang on a mo, maybe she’s just fallen off her Stannah and her knee-caps have crumbled into dust. Either way, you’re naturally distraught. Of course, you’ll need a few days healing time in the bosom of your family, so no pesky telephone calls or e-mails from the photographer for a couple of days.
Press #1 for Crying By Granny’s Beside
Press #2 for Will She Make It Through The Night?
Press #3 for Stiff as a GWC on Facebook
The warmth of the straighteners still in your hair as you found little Tyrone lying limply on the lawn? Kudos for being out of bed and ready to shoot minutes before the tragedy, naturally.
The Best Friend is an enormously popular choice, thanks to its overtones of popularity and maturity in a crisis. The Best Friend is always in hospital, but whether she’s up the duff, traumatised after a car accident or recovering from an overdose, you’re there for her every step of the way. Not only are you beautiful, you’re a rock in a crisis as well. Lady Di Eyes as standard.
The cornerstone of any well crafted excuse is the Misfortune. Please choose an incident from the menu to complete your excuse:
A carefully crafted accident excuse will leave you shaken up enough to spend the day gibbering on the sofa. But not quite knackered up enough to prevent blurry facebook pictures of you in a yellow Lycra frock appearing the following Sunday.
Car accidents that involve Best Friends can be more serious, involving broken ribs, facial injuries from glass and lots of crying and holding hands while a machine goes ‘beep’. If you have selected ‘Best Friend in a Car Crash,’ please stay on the line to add gory details and injuries to your excuse.
We steer our clients away from naming a specific illness. Instead we advise clients to hint at something gynaecological or poo-related, ensuring that no awkward questions interrupt your enjoyment of The Excuse.
A timeless classic, Actual Bodily Death of a Nan or beloved pet has been the excuse of choice for loafers and wannabes for generations.
We regret that Actual Death is not available with the Best Friend option.
Although we have an abundance of Cat and Dog Bodily Deaths, we regret that we must limit Granny Deaths to two per customer.
Thank you for calling the Model’s Excuse Premium Line. Your excuse will be dispatched immediately.
Model’s Excuse Premium Line
Third Olsen Twin Discovered!
Scientists have yet to confirm the existence of a third Olsen twin
The celebrity gossip forums are alight with gossip after eagle-eyed fans of fabulous food-phobics the Olsens finally got the answer to their burning question:
If they’re called Mary, Kate and Ashley, why are there only two of them?
The third Olsen twin was finally located by nerdy scientist types in the USA. An intriguing anomaly in the results of months of calculation led them to the theoretical existence of a third Olsen.
“If our calculations are correct, the third Olsen exists in a dimension very close to our own. Theoretical Physics is what we use to locate objects that we can’t see, either because they are too small or too far away. In this case it’s both. The third Olsen is so thin she only exists in mathematical theory,”
Casting call conversation from Hell
An out-take from Paolo Loraso studio!
I’m very ill at the moment, so I’ve become a temporary forum-whore on a modelling and photography website called Purestorm.com. Usually I just lurk around and read all the posts, but I’ve started posting up daft stuff to make people laugh. And they do seem to be laughing, thankfully.
Modelling & photography is a very strange world, and it attracts some really wierd people (I’m one of them I think). For the uninitiated - this is an imaginary MSN conversation between two people who don’t exist – but it’s a lot closer to the bone than you might think.
Casting call:
Tall, slim, busty blonde model needed for studio shoot on the 11th of November 2009.
Lingerie to topless, must have own high heels and own lingerie.
Experience not essential.
The shoot will take place at Bill & Ben’s studio in Cheadle.
Shoot duration 3 hours, preferable 10am until 1pm.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Intrsted hun is it payed?
Beardybloke1964
Hi Samantha, I had a look at your profile. Are you the blonde in the pink cowboy hat, or are you the girl with the pigtails and the finger in her mouth?
Beardybloke1964
Looks like a fun night anyway.
Beardybloke1964
Are you still there?
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Yer
Beardybloke1964
Can you send me your rates please?
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Intrsted hun is it payed?
Beardybloke1964
Yes it’s paid!
Can you send me your rates please?
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
A do implyed topless 4 50 kwid a our
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
A don do no porn an if u ax me to do porn u r a rapist innit
Beardybloke1964
It’s not porn
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Dat iz me m8s hayley n shazza. Dat iz me arm on da side of da pic.
Beardybloke1964
OK
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
I waz dancin derrr!
Beardybloke1964
Have you got any photos that show your face and body? I need a bit more to go on that a blurry shot of your arm in a nightclub.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Wat do u want 2 c me bod 4? ru sum kind ov perv? xoxoxxo
Beardybloke1964
I would like to book you for a paid shoot, as you live very close to the studio.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Y u wan pic?
Beardybloke1964
I can’t book you without a clear photograph.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
A will tak 1 on ma fone
Beardybloke1964
That would be super, thank you.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
ok boi new pic on ma page bitch innit
Beardybloke1964
Either a small nuclear bomb’s gone off between your ears or the flash is bouncing off the mirror. Oh well, at least I can tell roughly how many arms and legs you’ve got. That’s a start I suppose.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
wot?
Beardybloke1964
Can you get a friend or your Mum to take a photo of you?
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
OK
Beardybloke1964
I’ve just had another look at your profile – it says you’re 7 feet tall with a 44 inch waist, and a dress size ten. I think you might have made a mistake in your stats.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
New pic up
Beardybloke1964
How tall are you?
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Am 5 fut 5
Beardybloke1964
That’s much better Samantha, we’re definitely getting there. That’s an interesting pose. Now I can see you have breasts, and also hands. A chin too! And you’re a smoker. That’s great, given up myself.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Ta hun lololololol
Beardybloke1964
Do you happen to have any eyes? If not that would explain the photos, but if you do a picture of them might be helpful. Just one will do if you can’t manage both.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Y do u wan all diz pics of ma face?
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
a fink U r a Perv n u iz gonna sell diz pics on da net to ova Pervs innit
Beardybloke1964
I’m not a perv Samantha, as you can see from my references. I’m trying to see if you would be suitable for the paid studio shoot you applied for on the casting call.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
OK but dis iz da last 1
Beardybloke1964
OK thank you Samantha, but I don’t think you’re suitable for this shoot. Interesting tattoos though.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
y not?
Beardybloke1964
You’re a little smaller and more well-built than the type of models I work with, and you’re not blonde. I’m sorry, better luck next time.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
y u bild ma hopes an nok em down?
Beardybloke1964
The casting call was for a tall, slim blonde. That’s definitely not you. I’m sorry Samantha, but you’re not suitable. Nice talking to you anyway.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Eva herd of wigs????
Beardybloke1964
I don’t think a wig would quite cover the Swastikas
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
U got summat against big girls m8?
Beardybloke1964
Not at all, my wife is a size 18 and I photograph her all the time.
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
I cancelled a payed shoot 4 u n now u r backin out
Beardybloke1964
I never even booked you!
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
It waz a implyed bookin u owe me 50 kwid
oxoxoxsexybabeoxoxoxox
Pay up or I put bad feedback he got is nob owt on webcam…
Boost your immune system
Death warmed up!
I’ve got a horrible virus at the moment, and I can’t wait to get rid of it. I’m usually very healthy, but I’ve been eating all sorts of rubbish, mucking about with my sleep patterns and smoking fags for the last month. It’s definitely time to get back on the health wagon. Here are seven cheap & easy ways to shake off illness:
Carrots and sweet potatoes are a great food for your body as they are packed with beta-carotene, which your body uses to boost different kinds of infection-fighting cells. Go for any orange fruit or vegetable and try not to over cook your carrots – they work better raw.
Most fruits and vegetables are better for you raw, but some of the chemicals in tomatoes work better for your body when cooked. So break out the ketchup and have a double helping of tomato sauce on your pasta! One of the best foods you can eat when you’re ill is fresh tomato soup. There are lots of recipes on the internet and everyone has their own favorite.
A mixture of cooked and raw tomatoes in your diet is best, but watch out for the hidden fat and sugar content of tomato-based dishes and sauces.
Everyone’s body chemistry is different, but start making a few changes today and you’ll notice the benefits within a week or so.
Daft profile…
I wrote this for a Photographer in Ireland who contacted me through Purestorm.com:
I’m a photographer from Belfast. I’m a semi-professional glamour and beauty photographer, and have been for around 15 years.
I’ve been fortunate to work with several Miss Northern Islands and top Irish models over the years. My profile states that I’m semi-professional for this reason:
I have another job alongside my photography.
And not for any of these reasons:
I’m a chancer who thinks he’s going to make a living off perving at girls in their pants
My life is so boring I’ve invented another one on the internet
I’m actually a data-entry clerk and I can’t put ‘Professional’ because my wife will look my internet history and laugh her ass off.
All photos will be edited/airbrushed and supplied ready for website use. The model in the main pic was seventy five years old at the time of shooting, and had a backside like the surface of the moon. Look at her now – that’s the magic of Photoshop.
Models – if you would like to bring a chaperone, or even a full security team to shoots, please be advised that as a card-carrying cross-eyed Irish pervert this is not something that I encourage.
However, if you do prefer to bring your slope-headed neanderthal soul-mate with you, a small yo-yo or other pendulum device can be attatched to the celing to keep him entertained.
Some models are also makeup artists. Some surgeons are also piss-artists, but as with models it’s rarely a successful combination. Unless you are a qualified makeup artist as well as a model, please do not try to pass off your Saturday night pulling slap as a pro paint job.
It’s an extremely good idea to go out on the razzle the night before a shoot. After all, it’s not like it’s a proper job and that Kate Moss does it all the time the dirty cow. And if you feel too ropey after flashing your knickers in the Blue Bannana, just make out your Nan’s dropped dead.
Text speak is the traditional language spoken by models during inital communication with photographers. In order to get more ‘Payed*’ work, you may wish to add several X’s and O’s at the end of every message.
Currently working on bodypaint shoots – although it’s somewhat difficult to hold a paintbrush and a camera at the same time.
*Payed = money for standing still, often with no bra on.
IF YOUR FAKE TAN RESEMBLES a cheap 1970′s fake pine bedroom set, you will be swiftly sent back to MFI for a refund.
NO MORE TFCD unless you make Kiera Knightly look like Kerry Katona
NO MORE TFCD unless your ass resembles two boiled eggs nestling in a hankey NOT two badly-parked camper vans under a tarpaulin.
Just to make it absolutely clear – Nothing against sexy tanned blonde honeys and beautiful ethnic babes, you’re all lovely. But my preference for shoots is for classy, classic beauties, preferably pale-skinned English Rose types.
I have enough room to make videos of my shoots (including catwalk style) so if you don’t walk like Tina Turner on Methodone, that’s another plus.
Funny Stuff and Halloween
Today I have a horrible virus, so I decided to catch up one some web work.
I had a lovely Halloween. First I went out into the woods and danced around naked (as you do) and had some lovely photos done by a photographer named Stephen. I’ll post some up later on. Then I went to the Sugarmill in Hanley with 5 hot young guys! These were:
My boyfriend Mr. Voodoo Styx of course (who was a glam-rock pirate for the night). His mental little friend Danny (who looks like Donny Tourette and who went in one of my hand-sewn Wicca robes, only he painted it red and went as Paris Hilton’s Tampon). A proper cool guy called Al Smith who is a good friend of my boyfriend. He went as Alex from A Clockwork Orange. Good mate Chappers, who made absolutely no effort whatsoever (although he was going to go as Old Greg from the Mighty Boosh but couldn’t find a wig), and a chap called Palmer, who also made zero effort on the costume front, but ended up wearing a young girl’s knickers all night under his jeans. I went as a kinky nun, in a mini-habit, head-dress and stockings, with handcuffs dangling from my belt. What a bloody sight we must have looked.
- Danny the Human Tampon
What a charming young man. I hope your mother is proud of you!
Another thing I’ve been doing lately is making people laugh on Purestorm.com – the site where I meet a lot of photographers and models. I changed my profile to a complete mickey-take, and it went down really well with photographers and models. Here’s a link to my profile:
http://www.purestorm.com/profile.aspx?id=laylarc
Because I’d taken everything I’d ever heard photographers moan about or slag off to do with models and turned it into a mickey-take, it went down rather well. I’m still getting forum posts and e-mails about it now.
I’m too ill to do anything more complicated than write at the moment, so I’ll update this with more photos soon.
What else have I been up to?
I’ve been modelling for the D&K and Delkevic ads. Basically I’m polishing motorbikes and shaking my ass around. It’s great fun. The Sexy Miss Dee Kay – that’s little old me!
They are fun videos and meant to be a mickey-take. Every time I go there I’m laughing my head off all day. Here’s a pic of
You can find the videos on Youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/user/dkmotorcycles#p/u/4/aE3zOsLf1iM
Here’s a picture of the staff: Random employee who’s name I don’t know (far left), Chris (who nearly has a heart attack every time I change outfits) and Neil.
I’ve also been working my new websites: A huge one with everything on and a separate modelling site. I’m hoping to have them up & running by Christmas.
I’ve been painting my flat (well, Matt has – I painted most of the last one and then we got evicted after 3 weeks for letting a naked ginger man dance in the window).
I’ve done looooaaaddds of shoots – indoors, outdoors, in the rain, in graveyards, in my front room, you name it. Here is one of my favorite photos from the last 30 days:
For models – Upping your levels
- Knickers on or off?
A familiar wail from models is that the photographers are always trying to push their levels. For those that aren’t familiar with this term – a model’s level is the amount of nudity that a model will work to. For example a porn star’s levels are higher than those of a figure model. So when a model works to topless, sometimes the photographer asks her if she’ll work without pants on. It’s up to the model whether she does this or not of course.
There are various reasons for this, and not all of them are pervy. For example, a tasteful erotic shot from the side looks more timeless without a bright pink cheese-cutter stretched across your thigh. And sometimes the ‘Photographer’ just wants to see your minge.
I’ve been in a studio with a couple of photographers in a tasteful pose, all very arty-farty and such, and one of them has deliberately walked around the back of me and snapped a photo from a less ladylike angle.
I stopped the shoot, bollocked him and made him delete the photo because I’m a crusty old bitch. But I can’t see a nervous 19 year old on her first nude shoot doing the same thing.
On the other hand I’ve been in a studio with many photographers who were more interested in faffing around with the lights than getting a peepshow. I could have been doing a pantless handstand with my knickers on my head for all they cared.
But it’s not always that clear-cut. So the best thing is to agree to your levels and stick to them. If a photographer tries to make you feel awkward, for example:
Just slip them off, they’re ruining the shot
Oh I wouldn’t have booked you if I’d known you don’t do that
Oh come on, you’re quite safe with me
I’m not going to show them to anyone
I’ll delete them if you don’t like them
I’m not a perv you know
I’ll give you an extra £20
You won’t be able to see anything in the picture
You can say “I agreed the level that I was working to, and you agreed to it as well, and I’m not doing it,”
Men are very well practised at talking girl’s knickers off. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a studio or in bed. Don’t let him emotionally blackmail you into upping your levels by whinging/pleading/taking the mickey. It’s just several thousand years of evolution talking.
In case you’re not clear – if a photographer takes a picture of your clam he can do what he wants with it. He can put it all over the internet if he likes. You’ve got no claim on it at all. You could get your boyfriend/dad to beat him up or you might possibly be able to sue him if you lost your job over it. But you don’t own the picture, the photographer does.
If you’re wondering whether to up your levels a bit, for example to work to artistic nude instead of topless then do it with someone you trust. Not Gary the mechanic who got an SLR for Christmas. Common sense really, but that sometimes seems to go out of the window when you’re in front of a camera.
Points to remember:
If you pose for nude photographs, there is a 99.9% chance that your mates/parents/boss/ex boyfriend WILL see them at some point. Yes, even the photographer tells you they won’t. Assume that they will. Don’t do stuff you’re going to be ashamed of later.
If your mates/boss/ex boyfriend sees your photos, they WILL be texted and e-mailed to everyone that’s ever known you at some point*. DON’T DO STUFF YOU’RE GOING TO BE ASHAMED OF LATER!
If a photographer does snap a photo of something you don’t want him to, stop the shoot and ask him to delete it. If he starts being an arse about it, tell him you don’t work to that level because your 6-foot boyfriend or dad doesn’t like it. Last time you did it he beat the photographer to a pulp. That usually does the trick.
Photo copyright Alan Smith 2009
